Chewett IX

Chewett IX gained the hereditary title of Chewett two years ago. He inherited it after his predecessor became ill from exposure to too many bugs, who then died of decompiling.

Chewett IX was born in Romania, on a rainy day in June. I remember it well. Or maybe it was America. Accounts conflict, but one thing that everyone can agree on is that he was probably covered in hair. Like a Wookie.

A little known fact about Chewett IX is that it emits a high frequency buzzing wherever it goes. Like a bee, except that no one can hear it. Not even No One.

Most people recognize Chewett IX by looking at it with their eyes. This is the normal way for people to recognize these sorts of things, so this should not come as a surprise. Stop being surprised.

Some people use their ears to recognize Chewett IX. This is because Chewett IX can render itself invisible, just like a technicolour zebra riding a flaming uni-cycle. Except the opposite of that thing.

The natural diet of Chewett IX is coffee: two sugars, and blacker than his soul. Don’t get it wrong, because the other thing he eats is Hope, chopped finely, like a well-prepared tulip. Mmm tulips.

If you should find yourself attacked by the wild Chewett IX, the only way to survive is to supply it with high speed internet. Its natural coding instincts should distract it long enough to let you escape, at least until it starts to code itself, at which point it can teleport and we are all in danger. Now it’s all your fault.

Chewett IX is famed for his coding skills. Without him, we wouldn’t have rain every day. Before Chewett IX, rain was a magical thing, spoken of only in hushed whispers and held in awe. Now it is everywhere, and does he get thanked for it? Yes. Yes he does. Right now. Thank you Chewett IX for stabbing the sky with your spears of code and slaying the water beasts that dwell within.

Whether it is made up of meat, like people are, or machine meat, like the Borg, or possibly even mostly Code like Chewett IX says, everyone agrees that MD would not exist today without Chewett IX. Except possibly everyone; he was not available for comment.

If you are lucky enough to have Chewett IX like you, be grateful. Because it means he doesn’t know about that thing you did. That’s right, we know. We ALL know. Which is why Chewett IX doesn’t like you. Stop lying.

In the words of Chewett IX, “We are Chewett, For I am Legion”.